Widen Your Hearts

In May, a friend asked me to share some encouraging words with a group of others on the theme of ‘breaking through’ in personal relationships. The focus was on romantic relationships, so since I'm single and dating, I was meant to share something encouraging from my own experience in that. This is what I wrote down:

There’s a passage from Scripture I’ve been meditating on for the past month or two and I’ll share it with you. In 2 Corinthians 6, St Paul talks calls the Corinthian church to endurance in hardships, as well as purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love, and truthful speech (v. 4-7). He then says: “we have spoken freely to you […] our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return, (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also” (v. 11-13).

The line I’ve been meditating on is the call to ‘widen your hearts’ (combined with the observation that the church was ‘restricted in their affections’). Dating these days, particularly in this city, is difficult. In the past year, I’ve experienced some heartbreak and disappointment. This verse has reminded me that my relationships, including romantic ones, and interactions with others are not ultimately about me. As a single man, the call is to widen my affections beyond the narrowly romantic, even in the domain of romance. Of course, I already see the women I date as known and loved by God (sisters in Christ, as the expression goes). But the idea is to take this into my heart at a deeper level. Not to let my own romantic interest, love, or desire overtake what God is doing in another's life independently of how it might work with mine. The idea is to widen my heart so that it’s big enough to love, support, and even feel affection for another when God draws us in different directions, perhaps away from the romantic interest I initially had in mind. It’s about stepping back from my own plans to see or ‘behold’ the weight and value of another’s heart, hurts, plans, and process—as well as God’s work in it.

Choosing to die to self in these moments has been liberating and allowing Christ to widen my heart with his affections has been fulfilling. I’ve experienced renewed and fulfilling friendship in these moments, both when it’s been myself or the other person who’s chosen to break off the romance. It’s obviously not in all cases easy or perfect - it doesn't always work out well - but, coming at this as a single person, I think this is great practice for marriage, because as anyone who’s been married knows, it really does require death to self and love of the other. Widening my heart has meant having a heart big enough to be honest about my affections for someone, big enough to admit disappointment, and big enough to forgive and restore relationship where it has been to some extent ruptured (and is appropriate to do so). I think this is all necessary to having what Scripture elsewhere refers to as a ‘heart of flesh’ (Ezekiel 36 v. 26). This doesn’t mean there isn’t a need for healthy boundaries or time to process or recover and so on. But it does mean that even in dating we’re participating in something much bigger than ourselves, building into the lives of others and, by God’s grace, building His kingdom—even as we grow ourselves.

This is all to some extent obvious, but it's worth reflecting on how while God calls us to a narrow path, He does not call us to a narrowing of our affections. Loving Him and receiving His Spirit means a widening of our own hearts and the love of which we are capable.